late afternoon sunshine filtering in through my blinds.
my favorite slow song coming though my headphones, pouring in.
my heart beating, racing, feeling.
thinking of things that never were and never will be.
bittersweet smile on my face because i think of you and our place.
we were so young.
and now we’ve grown and changed and maybe we would of been better together now than before.
everything is confused and hurt and heavy. and i don’t want to feel this way.
“don’t you worry child, see heaven has a plan for you.”
I would say that in the book of life, never spend time reading the chapters you’ve already written. You have new words to pen and new experiences to describe and new imagery to capture. The only time you should ever flip a page backwards instead of forward is when you reread the moments that you look back on saying, “It was one of those nights,” or days or whatever. The ones that have a moment or a series of moments that defined you and left you permanently imprinted, just like your pen stains the page with its ink
I could really torment myself forever. Pick the guy I was last close with and had feelings for. Get on Tumblr or Twitter or Pinterest. Scroll forever, linking every hand-holding fingers-interlacing gif, every possible date idea, every love quote all to his name, his smile, his face, the butterflies he gave me, and how holding his hand made me feel. He’ll never know how every little thing he said, he did, he didn’t do, he made me feel, he left for me to hold forever. It’s not even about holding onto old feelings, I just haven’t found any new ones yet to dedicate my attention and time to. I replay the memories, every minute with and without you. I still remember and repeat in my head all the countless conversations, the things I said to you, what you said to me.
I’m caught in the struggle. The struggle of being a young adult. Young as in I still have my imagination and creativity and ideas of an ideal world. Adult as in I see the black and white and gray areas and aspects of everything around me. It’s so hard. My childlike nature wants to hate it when someone becomes everything they said they’ll never be, but my breaking adulthood reminds me that change is inevitable and you must learn to embrace it. It’s so hard.